The Queen and I
by Ghouse89
Summary: Meg get's mistreated by Connie...again *yawn*. But Lois convinces Meg to do something about it this time, and the wheel of revenge gets to turning. Along the way, the Griffin's uncover a fascinating fact... A prelude to my coming 'American Guy' X-over fic
1. Chapter 1

_Hey ya'll! It's my first and only Family Guy fic ever! I was dared by one of my friends who keeps daring me to tackle certain stories. But I am planning a crossover between American Dad and Family Guy anyway (I've already written four "episodes") and I thought that this could also be a way to introduce my storytelling to the MacFarlane area of Fanfiction! I'll also be posting an American Dad fic to further whet the appetites of people who might want to read this stuff. By the way this story has actually been completed so all it's going to take is me typing it in. The second chapter of this story will probably be ready by Thursday. You can read and you can review if you want…I don't really give a f#% either way. I know I'm funny, alright? I KNOW IT!_

_Just like the Family Guy episodes, the plot will slightly deviate from the one that the story starts out with, so don't worry; the fact that it's called the 'Queen and I' is for good reason. Also, I'm writing it in script form…you can go f#% yourself if you don't like it. Naahh, I'm just kidding –can you imagine if I was like that? No, you can tell me if you hate it…so I can send you a personal P.M telling you to go f#$% yourself._

[XXXXX]

[**EXT**: _The Griffin House_]  
>[<strong>INT<strong>: _The whole Family except for Lois, is watching T.V_]

**T.V Voice**: Introducing the Foundation channel—a network dedicated to the fascinating world of building foundations! And since there are only a handful of foundations in the world, most of our scheduled programming is repeated!  
><strong>Brian<strong>: …What the hell is this?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Basic cable. But it's still a lot better than anything that's been on one of the major networks.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: I agree. Who could stand that boobless drawl called 'Heroes' that that moron Tim Kring churned out every week?  
><strong>Brian<strong>: What do you care that it's boobless? You're too young to even appreciate women's breasts.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Not in America I'm not.  
><strong>Chris<strong>: The only show that I have a problem with is 'Two and a Half Men'. That Jake kid is an overweight moron who's always confused by the simplest of concepts.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: You just described yourself, Chris.  
><strong>Chris<strong>: (_Angrily_) Shut up! Mom says my 'happy-go-lucky' attitude is adorable!  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Hey kids, calm down; there's no point fighting each other. It's just as pointless as taunting death.

-**(Cutaway)**-  
>(<em>Death is shopping in a supermarket when two kids start throwing things at him<em>)  
><strong>Kid 1<strong>: Hey Death, you suck!  
><strong>Kid 2<strong>: Yeah, my mom says that you're the cause of abortions, jerk!  
><strong>Death<strong>: (_Walks up to them_) Hey, guys, it's not my fault. It's just the job; it's not like I want to kill people.  
><strong>Kid 2<strong>: Really? Oh. Sorry. We thought that you were a bad guy.  
><strong>Kid 1<strong>: Yeah, we just take out are frustrations on people cuz we're given a hard time too.  
><strong>Death<strong>: Hey, no problem guys. What say we have a group high five and call it a day, huh?  
><strong>Kid 1<strong>: Really? Neat!  
><strong>Kid 2<strong>: Awesome! (_They all high five and the two kids fall down dead after_)  
><strong>Death<strong>: Oh, crap, I forgot. Stupid Death touch.  
>(<em>Barbara Walters walks up to him<em>)  
><strong>Barbara<strong>: Hey, how much for the kids? I'll give you ten thousand dollars.  
><strong>Death<strong>: Barbara Walters? What do you want with a couple of kids?  
><strong>Barbara<strong>: (_Gives him the money_) I need the blood of youth for sustenance. How else do you think I keep young and attractive?  
><strong>Death<strong>: Young and attractive?...yeah…right.  
><strong>Barbara<strong>: If these kids have syphilis or something, I want half my money back!  
>-<strong>(End Cutaway)<strong>-

(_Lois walks into the Living room_)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Are you guys gonna watch T.V all day when it's such a nice day outside?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Yes we are, Lois. I've decided to not listen to what you just said—and it's not because I recently realized how nasal and annoying your voice is—it's because T.V happens to be among my top three things in this world along with beer and sex. Oh yeah, Lois, you're not in my top three anymore but you are in my top…(_thinks about it for a while_)…three hundred.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: C'mon, it's a beautiful day outside, Peter. We can all go to the new canyon in Quahog.  
><strong>Brian<strong>: New canyon? How the hell did that happen?

-**(Cutaway)**-  
>(<em>Mayor West is talking to two generals in his office<em>)  
><strong>Mayor West<strong>: I'm sorry gentlemen, but there is no way I'm letting you test bombs in Quahog.  
>(<em>The first general whispers something into the second generals ear<em>)  
><strong>Second General<strong>: How 'bout for twenty five million dollars?  
><strong>Mayor West<strong>: No siree, bob.  
>(<em>The first general whispers again into the second generals ear<em>)  
><strong>Second General<strong>: How 'bout for fifty million dollars?  
><strong>Mayor West<strong>: No can do.  
>(<em>The first general whispers to the second general again<em>)  
><strong>Second General<strong>: How 'bout lifetime Werewolf insurance for your whole town?  
><strong>Mayor West<strong>: Now you're talking, sailor man.  
><strong>Second General<strong>: Actually, I'm a general.  
><strong>Mayor West<strong>: And I suppose your friend is a general as well?  
><strong>First General<strong>: (_In an effeminate, lisped voice_) Actually, I'm his gay best friend who follows him around looking to start shenanigans. And this is only a costume.  
><strong>Mayor West<strong>: Indeed.  
>-<strong>(End Cutaway)<strong>-

(_The whole family is in the car driving to the canyon and Brian notices that Meg is waving at every car that passes by_)  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Uuhh, Meg…what're you doing?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Waving at everybody we pass by. It's my new idea on how I can make friends.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Meg, stop waving at random people; it makes you look creepy! Jesus Christ, what is wrong with these drivers today? Hey pal, you're a stupid %$&*!  
><strong>Driver's voice<strong>: Hey, did you just call me a percentage sign-dollar sign-numeration sign-asterisk?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: No, I called you a percentage sign-dollar sign-_ampersand_-asterisk!  
><strong>Driver's voice<strong>: Hey, that's even worse! You suck!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Peter, stop cursing at people; it makes you seem so rude! You always do this when we go out!  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Hey, Lois, stop nagging; it makes you seem like a whore.  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Hey Chris, what's wrong? You look like something's bothering you.  
><strong>Chris<strong>: It's nothing; I was just wondering about what the evil monkey does when I'm not at home.

-**(Cutaway)**-  
>(<em>There are several monkeys in Chris' room; some are dancing, some are making out and some are smoking pot. The Evil Monkey is in a Hugh Hefner robe on Chris' bed, relaxing with two girl monkeys. Suddenly one of the monkeys runs up to the Evil Monkey and starts going wild, pointing at the door. Evil Monkey goes to open it and he sees two monkey cops, who point at him and give him the Evil Monkey stare<em>)  
>-<strong>(End Cutaway)<strong>-

(_They get to the canyon and get out of the car and Peter is surprised to see Quagmire suddenly walk up to him_)  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Quagmire? What are you doing here?  
><strong>Quagmire<strong>: Hey Peter. Here to pick up chicks of course. Everyone knows that a canyon really gets the ladies going. Heh, alright! (_He walks up to a girl_) Hey there gorgeous. You like what you see?  
><strong>Girl<strong>: No! This aberration is horrible and I'm advocating that the government fill this canyon.  
><strong>Quagmire<strong>: Heh, I'd like to fill your canyon. Oh! (_Girl punches him and walks away_)…hmmm. Probably shouldn't have called it a canyon.

(_Brian and Stewie are standing close to the edge of the canyon_)  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Wow. Y'know, Lois was right. Sometimes you need to get out and appreciate the majesty of nature, and let it aesthetically cradle your senses.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Yeah…I'm gonna need flow charts and diagrams to explain just how gay that sounded. (_Brian glares at him_) Besides, natural wonders like these aren't meant from visual consumption, they're meant for financial exploitation. I could probably wrangle a few favors, turn this place into the city's dump and charge the mayor for its use.  
><strong>Brian<strong>: You're evil, y'know that?  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Yes, and your mouth reeks of your own crotch but I'm not complaining about that, am I?

(_Peter and Lois are sitting on the hood of their car, cuddling while watching the sunset_)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: See, Peter? Isn't this romantic? The sunset here is so beautiful.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: I know, Lois. It's so quiet and serene here… (_Peter suddenly farts long and hard, making everyone look at him disapprovingly_) Oh man, this is even more awkward than that time that I had to break up with my deaf-mute girlfriend.

-**(Cutaway)**-  
>(<em>A teenage Peter is talking to a girl in the park<em>)  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Yeah, Jenna…I'm sorry but this is just not working out for me. I just need–(_she starts signing_)…see, Jenna, I…I have no idea what all that means and it's one of the main reasons why we have to take some time from each other. I mean, you even do it while–(_she keeps signing_)…while were having sex. Seriously, what does it mean? Am I being rough? Am I-am I not satisfying you, cuz I don't–(_she keeps signing_) Look, Jenna, I don't know what that–(_she keeps signing frantically_) Oh boy. Guess I should've learnt sign language before dating you. Or while we were dating. Y'know what? I'm just gonna go but…it's been an awesome two years. (_She keeps signing_) Bye. (_He walks away, leaving her as she keeps signing and another man walks up to her_)  
><strong>Man<strong>: Hello there. What're you…why are you signing "I'm pregnant with your child" over and over? Wait a minute…you're that deaf-mute hooker I slept with all those months ago! Ruin my marriage, will you? (_He brings a gun out and shoots her_) There. How you like them app…wait…it's not her. Huh. (_He backs up slowly then quickly runs off_)  
>-<strong>(End Cutaway)<strong>-

(_Meg and Chris are walking along the canyon edge when Lois calls out to them_)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Chris, honey, don't go so close to the edge, it's dangerous…feel free to explore, Meg.  
><strong>Chris<strong>: It's okay, Mom. The canyon isn't dangerous and he says that he only wants to be friends.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: The canyon is an inanimate object, Chris.  
><strong>Chris<strong>: (_Irritated_) Why'd you always gotta be a bitch and ruin my good time? What're you, my girlfriend?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Fine! I'll just go find some of my other friends! (_she storms off_)  
><strong>Chris<strong>: "Find your other friends"? Now who sounds crazy?  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: (_walks up to Chris_) Good show, Chris. You seem to have a knack for driving walrus chick away. I say, I would like to learn your methods, if you'd oblige to teach them.  
><strong>Chris<strong>: Hi, Stewie! Canyons are huge!  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Yes, a bit like the empty space in your head that your cerebrum and cerebellum were supposed to occupy. My God, what was I thinking? Fatman junior teaching me? That's an even worse idea than dating Sarah Silverman.

-**(Cutaway)**-  
>(<em>A guy is sitting at a table in a restaurant with Sarah Silverman<em>)  
><strong>Guy<strong>: I gotta say, I'm really glad that we're dating. It's been a lot of fun.  
><strong>Sarah<strong>: Yeah, I'm Sarah Silverman. I'm boisterous and offensive so people will notice me.  
><strong>Guy<strong>: Seriously, I'm having a really great time.  
><strong>Sarah<strong>: I like acting like a guy, cuz it's cool and edgy and more obscene sex talk.  
><strong>Guy<strong>: You're the best, Sarah.  
><strong>Sarah<strong>: So, should we finally do it tonight?  
><strong>Guy<strong>: No, no, I'm straight so…I'll wait till you're post-op.  
>-<strong>(End Cutaway)<strong>-

(_Meg is walking alone until she bumps into a group of kids_)  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Oh my God, I'm sorry. Hey, what're you guys—(_the kids turn to face her and turn out to be Connie and her gang_). Oh. Hey Connie.  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Well, well, well…if it isn't Meg-a-saurus. So why are you here, fatty? You came to use the canyon as a cereal bowl? (_Connie and her friends start to laugh_)  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Look, I…I don't want any trouble Connie.  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Oh, you bought trouble by coming here, Shamu (_Connie takes Meg's glasses and throws them into the canyon_)  
><strong>Meg<strong>: (_Anxiously_) My glasses! Why are you doing this? (_She starts to cry as they all laugh and walk away just as Lois walks up to her_)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Oh, I'm sorry about that, honey. I know that kids can be mean.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Connie is more than that, Mom! She's horrible! She keeps making my life a living hell!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Honey, grief isn't gonna make this all better…but I bet revenge will.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: (_stops crying_) You…(_sniffs_)…you really think so?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Of course, sweetie, I know so. I bet that there's something that you could do to her that would just devastate her.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Well…she does have this autographed poster that Britney Spears signed. It's her favorite thing in the whole world.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: …That…that doesn't sound like something that's very valuable…or worth keeping but okay, we'll sneak in and take it from her.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Oooh, breaking and entering! Who knows what sick, twisted perversions we may uncover about the flaxen haired monster at this point in her pathetic teenage life? Aaahh, this is even going to be more exciting than that time that God asked me to be a bouncer for heaven.

-**(Cutaway)**-  
>(<em>Stewie is standing in front of the pearly gates in angel garb and directly behind him is a white velvet rope and another angel wearing sunglasses. A priest walks up to the gate<em>)  
><strong>Priest<strong>: Hey, I'm Reverend Theodore, I just died and I…I think that I'm supposed to be in there.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Yeah, let me just check…(_looks through a list he's holding_)…yeah, I'm sorry man, you're not in it.  
><strong>Priest<strong>: (_Surprised_) What?  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: I said…that you're not on the list, Padre.  
><strong>Priest<strong>: Are you kidding or something? Cuz-cuz this is not funny! What do you mean I'm not–?  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Hey, I checked the list and you're name didn't come up, so there!  
><strong>Priest<strong>: –what do you mean I'm not –are you crazy? I've served God for years, what the –what the hell, man?  
><strong>Stewie: <strong>Yeah, you should go there!  
><strong>Priest<strong>: Are you out of your mind? My names supposed to be on that—(_Just then, a hot and sexy demon chick walks past him and up to Stewie_)  
><strong>Demon Girl<strong>: (_Seductively_) Hey, Stewie.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Brenda, baby! What's goin on? (_She bends over and kisses him on the cheek while the other angel opens the velvet rope for her and lets her in_)  
><strong>Priest<strong>: (_Shouting_) Oh, come on! That was a –that was a-  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: A "what", hmm?  
><strong>Priest<strong>: She's a demon! WHAT THE F$%, MAN?  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Hey, she's got a five o'clock with Gabriel, Padre; that's why she gets in!  
><strong>Priest<strong>: I mean, what the f#% is this? This is freakin unfair! (_A dog comes along and barks at Stewie in greeting as Stewie pets it and the other angel lets it in_) What the f$#? That was a f%$ing dog! Animals don't even have souls! You know what, I'd like to speak–  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Hey, I'll have you know –  
><strong>Priest<strong>: –to your Boss, okay? I'd like to speak to him!  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: I'll have you know that that was the dog from the first Air Bud movies and they were hilarious! (_He turns and motions to some angels off screen_) Take him away guys! Get him out of here! (_The angels drag the priest away as he shouts out several expletives_) …Potty mouth.  
>-<strong>(End Cutaway)<strong>-

(_Peter is leading Brian to the edge of the canyon_)  
><strong>Peter<strong>: (_Excitedly_) Hey Brian, Brian, come here; you gotta see this.  
><strong>Brian<strong>: What is it, Peter?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: OK, OK, watch this, watch this (_he shouts into the canyon_). "My name is Peter!"  
><strong>Peter's Echo<strong>: "My name is Peter!"  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Heheheheheh! "I like beer!"  
><strong>Peter's Echo<strong>: "I like beer!"  
><strong>Peter<strong>: "I like boobies!"  
><strong>Peter's Echo<strong>: "I'm a fat, stupid slob who thinks that T.V's are magic!"  
><strong>Peter<strong>: (_Shocked_) What?  
><strong>Peter's Echo<strong>: "What?"  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Uuuh…maybe we should go (_Peter and Brian start to back away, looking confused and scared_)  
><strong>Peter's Echo<strong>: …Dumbass.

[XXXXXX]

_Yeah, that was funny! Yay! I rock out loud! I will not fail to post the next chapter on time. But hey even if I don't, what're you guys gonna do about it? I can personally guarantee that the crossover is going to be hilarious. Just wait and see. So will the American Dad fic. I say that because I know that some Family Guy fans aren't too fond of American Dad and vice versa. If you're one of those people just give either one a chance at least. The American dad fic should also be up tomorrow.  
><em>


	2. Chapter 2

_Yup, I guess that I was late with this…so anyway, the second chapter is here and as you're seeing this, it means all the chapters for both the family guy and American Dad fics have been posted. Sometime in the future I'll try to post the American Guy crossover._

_Also, in the fic I use "Connie's dad" as a character, even though on the show itself, he's dead. On with it!_

[XXXXXXX]

[**EXT**: _**The Griffin House**_]  
>[<strong>INT<strong>: _**The whole Family except for Lois and Meg, is watching T.V**_]

**T.V. Voice**: We now return to "Dancing with the Stars"

-**(Cutaway to T.V)**-  
>(<em><strong>Three contestants in space suits are experiencing zero gravity in a space shuttle with a host in a tux floating by them<strong>_)  
><strong>Contestant<strong>: Uh, Mr. Host, are you sure this is safe? I thought the shows name implied that we'd be dancing with celebrities.  
><strong>Host<strong>: Well, you're obviously illiterate, Marsha. Now you're waltz with Betelgeuse…either it goes well and you get to knock either Peter or Tiffany off, or your molecules are superheated into a plasma gas. Good luck.  
>-<strong>(End cutaway to T.V)<strong>-

(_**Lois and Meg come in**_)  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Hey Lois, where you been?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Oh my God, Peter back off, it's like you're suffocating me.  
><strong>Peter:<strong> What?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: We were out buying Meg new glasses.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: (_**Sarcastically**_) Oh, way to go Lois. Yeah, that's a great use of our taxpayer's money.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Peter, I'm gonna need you to distract Connie's parents while Meg and I break into her room tonight.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Actually Mom, I've been having second thoughts about this. I mean, do we have to commit a crime?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: No, no, no, it's ok if you don't wanna do it, sweetie. I understand. It's perfectly OK to be a little bitch.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Mom!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Oh, does the little bitch want pity? Does she want some compassion? (_Meg starts to cry_) Awww, look, the little bitch is crying. That's right, go ahead and cry. Cry and give up. It's what you wanna do right?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: (_**Angrily**_) No!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: So, what're you gonna do about it?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Get Connie!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: WHAT DID YOU SAY?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: GET CONNIE! (_She runs upstairs_)  
><strong>Brian<strong>: …Well, that was good parenting.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: I for one, conclude that this whole ordeal is doomed to fail, for reasons ranging from Meg's fragile mental status to Lois questionable experience. It's going to go as well as the Fatman's attempt to become a pediatrician.

-**(Cutaway)**-  
>(<em><strong>A concerned mother and her little son are in a clinic room with Peter as the doctor examining him<strong>_)  
><strong>Peter<strong>: (_Looking at a chart_) Yeah…mm-hmm, yeah… OK, I'm pretty sure that the rash and tummy ache…are an indication of Syphilis.  
><strong>Mother<strong>: …What?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: That'll be $189.95…plus tip.  
>-<strong>(End Cutaway)<strong>-

**Brian**: Yeah, I remember that. Turned out the babysitter gave it to him, right?  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Awww, c'mon man, did you have to include that? Seriously, there's a reason I didn't put that part in the cutaway!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: So Brian…you in or out?  
><strong>Brian<strong>: OK, am I the only one who thinks that this is bad idea?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: No, Brian, a bad idea would be deciding to air more reality T.V shows, going out with Lindsay Lohan, or giving out more movie roles to that gay looking kid who played Harry Potter. But this is me sticking up for my daughter and solving her problems with possible violence and theft. What could go wrong?  
><strong>Brian<strong>: (_**Sighs**_) Fine, I'm in. But if I do this, then I get to lick my junk without you all staring at me disapprovingly.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Deal. To the Peter-glider! (_He runs outside to a hovercraft that has his face on the front. He gets it into the air only for Joe to come out of his house and shoot it down with a bazooka, causing Peter to fall into the yard with his skin scorched_) Joe, goddammit, what the hell?!  
><strong>Joe<strong>: Sorry, Peter, I couldn't take that chance.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: You blew up my hovercraft! I paid $300,000 for that, you jerk! I saved that money up for years and I still had to get a freakin loan! What is your problem?!  
><strong>Joe<strong>: Sorry Peter.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: The bank's probably gonna foreclose on my house and what do I have to show for it? Nothing! I hope you're happy. (_He storms inside his house_)

[XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX]

[**EXT**: _**The D'Amico's residence**_]  
>[<strong>INT<strong>: _**A van parked nearby the house has Griffin family inside it**_]

**Lois**: So Peter, you, Brian and Chris will go and keep them occupied, while Meg and I break into Connie's room. Meg, are you sure that Connie's not at home?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Yeah. (_**Sadly**_) She went for a party that I wasn't invited to.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Oh, what was the theme; "being attractive"? Hahahaha-ahhh, you got jacked bitch!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Peter, you sure that you can do this?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Come on Lois, we Griffins are amongst some of the most trustworthy people on the planet. Like my ancestor Caesar Griffin.

-**(Cutaway)**-  
>(<em><strong>A group of Roman politicians are talking to Caesar Griffin near the temple<strong>_)  
><strong>Politician 1<strong>: So, Caesar, that's the plan. You'll fight for us cuz we appointed you to, and then you'll come back victorious from war—  
><strong>Politician 2<strong>: Without overthrowing the government and setting yourself up as King.  
><strong>Politician 3<strong>: Yeah that part is imperative. No overthrowy, okay Caesar?  
><strong>Caesar Griffin<strong>: Yeah no problem.  
><strong>Politician 1<strong>: We're serious man! You can't overthrow the government no matter how many awesome movies, history lessons, and documentaries that it would probably lead to in the future.  
><strong>Politician 2<strong>: Yeah, and hurry the hell back man, because I heard that Clarinus is planning that slammin orgy!  
><strong>Caesar Griffin<strong>: Oh yeah, those are great! I'm gonna plan way more orgies when I'm crowned Emperor.  
><strong>Politician 2<strong>: What?  
><strong>Caesar Griffin<strong>: Nothing.  
>-<strong>(End Cutaway)<strong>-

(_**Brian, Peter and Chris are walking up to the D'Amico front porch**_)  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Hey Lois, can you hear me okay? Is your earpiece working?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: (_Over the headphones_) Uh huh, I can hear you just fine, sweetie.  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Wow, I gotta say Peter; you really splurged on this breaking and entering thing.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Well I had to, Brian. And I made sure I bought things that are inconspicuous, like the van, which is custom made.  
><strong>Brian<strong>: "Inconspicuous?" The van says "Peter's breaking and entering vehicle" on the side.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: …So?  
><strong>Brian<strong>: …The slogan underneath it says, "If you see me near your house, then I'm probably breaking into it"  
><strong>Peter<strong> … (_Pulls out a remote control, presses a button which makes the van self destruct_)  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Was that really necessary?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: I had to destroy the evidence. (_**Grimly**_) Now, there never was a van!  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Why'd you even have a self destruct mechanism put in the van?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: How long have you known me, Brian?

(_**Meg and Lois—who has Stewie in similar get up and strapped to her stomach—are slowly making their way into the upper floor of the house when Meg rattles something**_)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: (_**Whispering**_) Meg, be careful!  
><strong>Meg<strong>: I'm trying!  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: You probably would've been more limber if you hadn't spent the last decade stuffing your face and training for an imaginary Miss Pudgy contest.  
>(<em>They enter Connie's room and look around a bit<em>)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Wow, for a popular girl, Connie's room is really a bit empty. No pictures of friends, signs of other peoples stuff…  
><strong>Meg<strong>: That's because she really doesn't have any true friends. People are just sucking up to her cuz she's popular.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: …I _was_ gonna say, "which kind of makes it like your room" and then do the bazinga dance, but yours is a much nicer thing to say, sweetie.

(_**Peter, Chris and Brian get to the front and ring the doorbel**_**l**)  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Alright, everyone just act natural (_He knocks and Connie's Dad, Mr. D'Amico opens the door_) Aaaaahhhhh!  
><strong>Connie's Dad<strong>: Aaaaaahhh!  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Aaaaaahhhh!  
><strong>Chris<strong>: Oh dear God, I think I wet myself!  
><strong>Connie's Dad<strong>: Oh great; Jehovah's Witnesses (_Shouting to his wife_) Get the shotgun, honey!  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Hey, wait wait wait, we're not Jehovah's Witnesses; we're strangers who want to come into your house with possible malicious intent.  
><strong>Mr. D'Amico<strong>: Well, I don't know what '_malicious_' means but it sure sounds noble and good. Y'know, all the things that are the opposite of evil. So, what brings you to my house, Mr.…?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Griffin. Peter Theodore Griffin. The 'Theodore' is silent.  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Uh, we're here to, uh, talk about your daughter, Connie.  
><strong>Mr. D'Amico<strong>: You are?  
>(<em>To everyone's surprise, Mrs. D'Amico comes to the door with the shotgun<em>)  
><strong>Mrs. D'Amico<strong>: If you have to shoot them, honey, please don't almost kill them like you did last time.  
><strong>Chris<strong>: I think I'm gonna wet myself again…oh wait, that was number two.

(_**Meg and Lois are in Connie's room looking at her autographed Britney Spears poster**_)  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Here it is.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Huh. I wonder how she got it autographed in the first place.

-(**Cutaway**)-  
>(<em><strong>Backstage at a concert, an excited Connie is holding the poster as she walks up to Britney Spears<strong>_)  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Oh my God, Britney Spears! I absolutely love your music! You are definitely the sexiest woman I know and you were a shoo-in for sexiest man when you shaved your head.  
><strong>Britney<strong>: Thank you.  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Uhh, could you please autograph this poster?  
><strong>Britney<strong>: Sure. But first, you have to do something for me.  
><strong>Connie<strong>: What is it?  
>(<em><strong>Scene cut to Britney and Connie coming out of a supply closet, putting their shirts back on<strong>_)  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Okay, umm…wow, that was…new. Can I have the autograph now?  
><strong>Britney<strong>: Yeah, sure (_She takes the poster and starts to sign it_)  
><strong>Connie<strong>: I gotta admit, that was a strange thing to ask for.  
><strong>Britney<strong>: What? I just asked you to go with me into a supply closet, come out ten seconds later with our shirts off, after which you'd say, "okay, umm…wow, that was…new". What's so strange about that?  
><strong>Connie<strong>: (_**Dryly**_) You're right; that's perfectly normal.  
>-(<strong>End Cutaway<strong>)-

(_**Stewie walks over to Connie's bed**_)  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: If horny teenage boys keep porn under their beds, let's see what happens on the other side of the gender coin. (_He reaches under and pulls out a magazine_) What the…? "_Demure and Gentle Lady Magazine_?" I did not see that coming.  
>(<em><strong>Meg and Lois succeed in taking down the poster<strong>_)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Well, that's it. How does it feel, sweetie?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: (_**Cheerfully**_) Great, Mom! And it's less stressful than my recurring idea of getting a gun, shooting Connie and her posse then offing myself!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: See? What'd I tell ya?!  
>(<em>Stewie is walking over to Lois<em>)  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Hey Lois? I found this thing called a diaphragm and I need permission from you to put it in my mouth since I don't know what it's for and—(_He trips, stumbles and lands in Connie's closet_) Aaagghhhhhhhh!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: (_Quickly goes to the closet_)(_**Worriedly**_) Oh God, Stewie my baby! Are you okay?!  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Of course I'm not you crimson haired hag! Someone please help me come out of this closet! (_Lois looks behind her to see Brian laughing_)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Brian? What the—how'd you even get here?  
><strong>Brian<strong>: I'm sorry but I could just not miss Stewie's statement! Well, it was actually more of a pun, so—(_Lois glares at him_)—okay, I'll get outta you're hair. (_He leaves_)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Hold on Stewie; Mommy will get you out!  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Oh God Lois, hurry up! I'm more scared than that time I was caught in an argument between Bruce and the Kool-Aid guy.

-(**Cutaway**)-  
>(<em><strong>Stewie is at a dinner party and Bruce and the Kool-Aid guy are staring daggers at each other<strong>_)  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Okay, c'mon guys, just-just stop. There's no need for—  
><strong>Bruce<strong>: No! He's wrong! Having it in your name is _not_ the same thing as what happens to us!  
><strong>Kool Aid guy<strong>: Oh yeah!  
><strong>Bruce<strong>: Oh no!  
><strong>Kool Aid guy<strong>: Oh yeah!  
><strong>Bruce<strong>: Oh no!  
><strong>Kool Aid guy<strong>: (_**Angrily**_) Oh yeah!  
><strong>Bruce<strong>: (_**Angrily**_) Oh no!  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: (_**Fearfully**_) Oh God, this could go on forever!  
>-(<strong>End Cutaway<strong>)-

(_**Meg rushes over to where Lois is, by the closet**_)  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Oh my God, what happened?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: It's Stewie (_She takes him out of the closet_) Oh my baby; are you alright?  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: (_**Pouting**_) No! I saw a scarf in there that I want! So now I'm jealous!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Thank God you're not hurt. That would've…oh my God, Meg, look!  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Where?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: (_Pointing into the closet_) Past all the hilarious things that could momentarily distract me from showing you-that! (_She shines her torch to reveal a door at the back of closet_)  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Wow. A secret door. Maybe it leads to somewhere special, like Narnia.

-(**Cutaway**)-  
>(<em><strong>Two goat legged men are standing in the snowy forests that are in Narnia<strong>_)  
><strong>Paul<strong>: Y'know, I gotta tell you, Tom—I am so sick of kids walking through their closet doors into Narnia.  
><strong>Tom<strong>: I don't get why you're so mad about them coming here. You know that—  
><strong>Paul<strong>: No no no, it's not the coming to Narnia that I hate; it's the people that keep finding their way here. I mean, why don't porn stars ever stumble into Narnia? Seriously, why doesn't Jenna Jameson ever come here? You telling me she ain't got no closet?  
><strong>Tom<strong>: Wow, you have been pissed about everything the last few days. I gotta ask-does the white Queen declaring war on Aslan have anything to do with it?  
><strong>Paul<strong>: Well, a little. What is her problem anyway?  
><strong>Tom<strong>: Don't have any idea, but get this—I heard from one of my friends that she and Aslan used to go out.  
><strong>Paul<strong>: Get out! Seriously?  
><strong>Tom<strong>: Swear to God, they used to be an item. Apparently that's why she hates him. _He_ broke up with _her_.  
><strong>Paul<strong>: No wonder why her heart has gone colder than these God-forsaken plains. Speaking of which, why is it always snowing here?  
><strong>Tom<strong>: Honestly, it's like we're living on freakin Hoth, man.  
><strong>Paul<strong>: Heh, totally.  
>-(<strong>End Cutaway<strong>)-

(_**Connie comes back home while her parents are in the living room sitting with Peter, Brian and Chris**_)  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Mom, Dad, I'm back from… (_She sees the Griffins_) What's going on?  
><strong>Mr. D'Amico<strong>: Hey honey, come have seat. You know that unpopular girl that you keep saying you wish you could kill? Her family's come to visit!  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Chris, Mr. Griffin, Brian, what're you guys doing here?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Well, we're certainly not distracting you and your parents while someone breaks into your room.  
><strong>Mrs. D'Amico<strong>: He's been saying stuff like that all night. It just makes me feel so safe and secure.  
><strong>Mr. D'Amico<strong>: But she's right, Mr. Griffin; you haven't told us the real reason why you're here.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Oh. Well…um…we are here…to-to ask for Connie's hand in marriage to Chris! Yeah, that!  
><strong>Connie<strong>: WHAT!  
><strong>Mr. D'Amico<strong>: Wow, that is surprising. But I've never really cared for my wife's or my daughter's opinion, so I'm just gonna go right ahead and ask Chris if he's sure about this.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Well, whaddya say, Chris? Would you wike to mawwy Connie? ...I said it in a cute way to allude to the fact that you're still a kid and that this situation is slightly ridiculous.  
><strong>Chris<strong>: Sorry but I already have a girlfriend. We're going out tomorrow night and she's gonna dress up and everything. Speaking on totally unrelated note, do you have a fancy diamond studded glove for my right hand?  
><strong>Brian<strong>: (_**To himself**_) Hahaaaaa…masturbation joke.  
><strong>Mr. D'Amico<strong>: Mr. Griffin, your son appears to have changed his mind at the last-  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Oh my God, Meg would quiet down your heavy breathing? It sounds like listening to Matthew Fox's character from Lost having sex!...(_He sees that everyone is staring at him_)…um, sorry about that. My daughter was breaking radio silence. Please continue.  
><strong>Connie<strong>: …I'm outta here (_She starts to go to her room_).  
><strong>Brian<strong>: My god, this is more uncomfortable than making out with a cow.

-(**Cutaway**)-  
>(<em><strong>A guy is sitting on a couch in apartment with a cow, watching T.V<strong>_)  
><strong>Cow<strong>: (_**Seductively**_) Hey honey, how about we…y'know, make out a bit before I go to work?  
><strong>Jason<strong>: Yeah, about that… You're an amazing girl and all and I love spending time with you, sweetie, but it's just that…well, whenever we kiss, you, uh, keep throwing up in my mouth.  
><strong>Cow<strong>: Yeah, it's my cud, Jason. You know I can't help it.  
><strong>Jason<strong>: Yeah, I know, but it doesn't stop it from being disgusting, so-  
><strong>Cow<strong>: (_**Angrily**_) Come on, you act like I don't have to put up with some of the stuff that you do!  
><strong>Jason<strong>: Like what?  
><strong>Cow<strong>: Oh, I don't know, like the fact that you're _not_ a vegetarian?! Huh? And the fact that you might've eaten one of my sisters and… (_She starts crying_)  
><strong>Jason<strong>: (_**Defensively**_) Hey, if I had known that she was in that sloppy joe, I wouldn't have eaten it! And besides, if I clearly remember, you had a bite yourself!  
><strong>Cow<strong>: That's not the point Jason! That's not the point!  
>-(<strong>End Cutaway<strong>)-

(_**Lois, Meg and Stewie are looking at the door in Connie's closet**_)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: I wonder what's inside? Hopefully something worth more than a Britney Spears poster.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Like the complete season one DVD of '_The Real Housewives of Atlanta_'?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: I said "worth more", Meg. "Worth more."  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: (_**Amusedly**_) What if it's a secret lab filled with high tech weapons and gadgetry dedicated to matriarchal tyranny? I mean, you never see one of those? Right? ...Right? (_Meg and Lois just stare at him blankly for a long time_) (_**Offended)**_) You know, if you knew me at all, you'd find that statement to be ironic and its humor wouldn't be lost on you! (_**To himself**_) Damn family, not ever reading my MySpace page.  
>(<strong>Suddenly, they hear Peter's voice comes through the earpieces<strong>)  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Lois, you guys gotta get out of there! We just left to get Chris some new pants but Connie's coming up!...Oh and, if you happen to go by the supermarket later on, could you pick up some whipped cream? I don't know, I just suddenly got a craving for pie and whipped cream…and lasagna. Could you make lasagna for dinner when we get home? Gee, I hope we still have some pasta for that. Maybe you should pick some up at the store too. Y'know, just in case, even though I'm…I'm pretty sure there should be some at home. I'm like eighty percent sure, but—no, no, y'know what? Just pick some up any way…to be safe… Over.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: (_**Worriedly**_) Uh oh, Connie's coming! It's now or never Meg!  
>(<em><strong>Meg looks on, unsure of herself but then gets grim with determination<strong>_)  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Let's do this. (_Meg opens the door and is shocked to see—that it's a dimly candle lit room with paraphernalia that Connie has amassed that's dedicated to her in some way; some of her old pink hats, pictures of her and tons of other stuff_) Oh. My. God.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Good Lord, this is the most disturbing room that I've seen since that time that I stayed with the X-Men.

-(**Cutaway**)-  
>(<em><strong>Stewie is walking down the Xavier Institute halls with Professor Xavier himself who is in his wheelchair, showing Stewie around<strong>_)  
><strong>Xavier<strong>: -and there's the danger room, a room that I built to run combat simulations. And that one over there is Cerebra.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Oh, what's that one for?  
><strong>Xavier<strong>: It houses a machine that I built which I use to lock onto mutants so I can track them and get a good look at them, using my telepathy to visualize being actually there with them.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: (_**Uncomfortably**_) Oh. So…um, that room that we saw a while back; Peniserebra, is for…?  
><strong>Xavier<strong>: (_**Nervously**_) Oh no, no, that's, uh, a filing room.  
>-(<strong>End Cutaway<strong>)-

(_**Lois, Meg and Stewie are all stupefied, looking at the shrine dedicated to Meg when Connie bursts in**_)  
><strong>Connie<strong>: (_**Shocked**_) Oh my God, who the hell are…Meg? Oh no! OH NO! You found it!  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Connie…what-what is this?  
><strong>Connie<strong>: (_**Sighs**_) Well, now that you've seen it, I guess there's no hiding or denying it.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: What're you talking about?  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Meg, you've always thought that I hate you and I don't—I've just been afraid of what would happen if I showed you the truth about how I really feel. So, I bottled it up and hid my feelings for you behind my cruelty when the truth is…I love you more than anything in the whole world. I always have.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Why…why didn't you say anything?  
><strong>Connie<strong>: I was scared. Scared of what you would think of me. Of what others would think. But now that you know, there's no use pretending. All this while I couldn't be with you and now I finally get to say…I love you, Meg Griffin.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: (_**Confused**_) I don't…I don't know what to say.  
><strong>Connie<strong>: You don't have to say anything. But I want you to know that this is no joke. This room has been a symbol of my unrequited love that I hoped would one day be free.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Oh, well, I guess that's not so bad. You don't have a say when it comes to who you fall in love with.  
><strong>Connie<strong>: It's also the room where I keep my season one DVD of '_The Real Housewives of Atlanta_'.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: (**Angrily**) Jesus Christ, what the f%$# is wrong with you?!

[XXXXXXX]

_See the twist?! I'm finally back after a long ass hiatus; it's been years, hasn't it? I couldn't afford to even write a teeny bit all this while but hopefully I won't wander off like before. I'm going to try and get all my fics moving once again._


	3. Chapter 3

[**EXT**: _**The Griffin House**_]  
>[<strong>INT<strong>: _**The whole family except for Chris, is sitting in the living room**_]

**Peter**: I have to say Lois, it's great having you back after the month in jail you were sentenced to.  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Yeah, I can't believe Connie ratted you out to her parents the night we broke into their house.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: So, did you get raped in prison?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: It's great to be back, Peter. And yes, I did get raped in prison. But it was by a woman so it doesn't count.  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Y'know, we've been trying to figure out why Connie didn't finger Meg to the cops.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Isn't it obvious?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Isn't what obvious?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: (_**Surprised**_) What?! Meg, you didn't tell them?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: No! It's no big deal.  
><strong>Brian<strong>: What's no big deal?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Meg and I found out that Connie's in love with her!  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Holy Crap!  
><strong>Brian<strong>: What? She's in love with you? Meg, why didn't you say anything?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Why would I? If I did, it would just cue the lesbian jokes, which I hate.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: You know who else hates lesbian jokes?...lesbians!...get it?...cuz it would be referring to the fact that you're a lesbian since you hate them too…get it?  
><strong>Brian<strong>: (_To Stewie_) You gotta work on your joke finishes, man  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: (_**Irritated**_) You're a joke finish.  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Point proved.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Wow, imagine my daughter as a lesbian! This is sweet!  
><strong>Meg<strong>: I'm not a lesbian, Dad!  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Come on, Meg; lesbians are given an extra measure of hotness for being gay. Also, they get free passes from the IRS.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Really?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Eh, I'm not so sure, seeing as I just made most of that up right now.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Meg, you can't just ignore that Connie's got feelings for you. The best thing that you can do is confront them.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Oh no, I am not gonna confront her or her feelings. That's why I stopped going to school and I'm never going back.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: You've stopped going to school? (_**Angrily**_) Peter, you knew about this?!  
><strong>Peter<strong>: I had no idea. But I guess that I should've put the clues together when she stopped going to school.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: After I found out, the first week of school was just weird as hell

-(**Flashback**)-  
>(<em>Meg is eating spaghetti in the cafeteria at school, and sucks a strand that she realizes stretches all the way to Connie's mouth at another table where she is sitting at. Connie continues to suck the strand while waving nervously at Meg<em>)  
>(<em>Meg is walking by a wall outside school and sees Connie scratching the word "hates" out in a "Connie hates Meg" writing and replacing it with "hearts". She then looks down and waves at Meg<em>)  
>(<em>During a gathering of students in the school gym, the principal is panicking and yelling when a banner is let loose that says " MEG IS THE BOMB!", to Meg's shock<em>)  
>-(<strong>End Flashback<strong>)-

**Meg**: She just had to let loose that banner when a crazy kid had threatened to blow up the school with a hidden bomb!  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Well now, that sounds romantic.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: I got frisked and had to have a cavity search!  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Looks like you got a "happy ending", if you know what I mean!  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Oooo, oooo, wait, wait, nobody tell me, I know! Everyone just–just don't say it…ummm...is it…is it sex?  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Yes.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Really?  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Yup.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: So I got it?  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Uh-huh.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: (_**Satisfied**_) Cool…awesome.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Look Meg, Connie being in love with you is something that you may not want to admit but are going to have to deal with whether you like it or not. Talk to her about it.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Or you could resort to crazy hijinks that probably won't work before you try your mother's idea. That's the American way.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: (_**Sighs**_) Fine. If I have to do something…then I guess I'll go with Mom's idea.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Oh. Well…that's fine. Y'know, it's not like I have these particular hijinks in mind that I planned in case I ever discovered Meg became a lesbian; it's nothing like that at all.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Come on Meg. I'll help you understand what Connie's gonna be thinking by relating some of the experiences that I've had with women. (_She and Meg get up and walk into another room…and a while later Brian almost falls over in an attempt to follow them_)  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Boy, Meg is sure gonna be sorry that she didn't go with my idea. Lois' plan will probably turn out to be worse than Superman's secret identity.

-(**Cutaway**)-  
>(<em><strong>Two reporters at the 'Daily Planet' are watching the news, which is about Superman saving the day<strong>_)  
><strong>Jeff<strong>: Oh, looks like he saved the day again, huh?  
><strong>Greg<strong>: Shh, here he comes, here he comes! (_Suddenly, Clark Kent walks up to them_)  
><strong>Clark<strong>: Hey guys! What's up? I heard that Superman saved the day again.  
><strong>Jeff<strong>: Oh yeah, sure "Clark", Superman saved the day. Say, where were you?  
><strong>Clark<strong>: Uh, I was in the supply closet…looking for, uh, something that I didn't find till—(_Jeff and Greg start laughing hysterically_) What?! What…what's so funny?  
><strong>Greg<strong>: (_**Laughing**_) Stop it, okay?! Just stop it! How stupid do you think we are, man?!  
><strong>Jeff<strong>: You're wearing glasses! That's your disguise! Wearing glasses?! Seriously?!  
><strong>Greg<strong>: Dude, there are only like, two other people in this whole city with your physique apart from him! Your eye color, hair color—everything is the same as his! You think that we wouldn't be able to put all that together?! We're reporters!  
><strong>Clark<strong>: So…the two of you know?  
><strong>Jeff<strong>: The two of us?! Dude, everyone you've ever met knows! It's all over the Internet! There are chat rooms where people go to talk about how stupid your disguise is! There's Youtube footage of you stepping into a phone booth and coming out as Superman! I mean, c'mon!  
><strong>Greg<strong>: I mean, the fact that you thought that no one could ever deduce this just shows how much thought you put into it. Nada. Zilch. That's right you heard me–zero. Squat.  
><strong>Jeff<strong>: You said it, Greg. Anyway, we're on break. Wanna go grab a couple of brewskis, Clark my man?  
><strong>Clark<strong>: … Sure.  
>-(<strong>End Cutaway<strong>)-

(_**Lois is in the kitchen sitting at the table with Meg**_)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Alright Meg, I'm going to give you some advice on how you can handle your situation with Connie. First though, I'm gonna tell you all about lesbian relationships.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Why?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: So you'll be able to fully understand just where you stand in all this. Also, because I'm sorta baked.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Where's Stewie?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Oh, he's next door with the neighbor's kids playing 'House.'

-(**Cutaway**)-  
>(<em><strong>Stewie is dressed up like Gregory House from House M.D talking to other kids that are dressed up in lab coats<strong>_)  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: (_Using an American accent_) You're all idiots. I'm smart but sad and miserable and I hate you all except for the ladies that I find attractive but still hate.  
><strong>Kid 1<strong>: Oh, Dr. House, only you can solve all of the difficult cases that come along, no matter how unreal or convoluted they are.  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Oh employee, I like you…just kidding, that was sarcasm. (_In his normal voice_) Okay, this is boring now. Let's eat dirt for a while or pretend to be astronauts!  
><strong>Kid 2<strong>: Yeah! Let's play astronauts!  
><strong>Stewie<strong>: Okay, but I still get to be House! (_All the kids groan_)  
>-(<strong>End Cutaway<strong>)-

**Lois**: Anyway, Meg, the first thing that you ought to know about the complex relationships towards women is—(_Her cell phone starts ringing_). Hold on, sweetie. (_She answers it_) Hello?  
><strong>Peter's voice<strong>: Hello, Mrs. Griffin. This is a government agent from a government agency. I have called to inform you that your mother who was a secret agent here is dead, and no not Babs–your real mother! You're going to have to come to our Headquarters in Alaska to claim the corpse.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Peter, you didn't even change your voice and I can see from the caller I.D that it's coming from our house.  
><strong>Peter's voice<strong>: I'm serious! I'm a government agent from a secret facility!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Peter, I can see you peeking from the living room at me and Meg. What do you want?  
><strong>Peter's voice<strong>: Well, you are clearly ungrateful for the bad news that I delivered to you. You're mother's dead body will be donated to the T.V show 'The Walking Dead' as an extra. Good day, madam. (_He hangs up_)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: (_Sighs as she puts away her cell phone_) Okay Meg, where were we?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Umm, was that Dad?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Don't worry about it. He's just trying to be immature and disrupt what we're doing.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Oh. I'll admit, though–I was kinda expecting him to.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Me too. Not one of his best efforts, but… Anyway, as I was saying, the first thing that you oughta know about… (_Smells something_) What's that smell?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: It smells like something is burning. And I think it's coming from outside.

(_**The two of them go outside—and are shocked to see Peter standing next to their car, which is engulfed in flames**_)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Oh my God, Peter; what the f#$ did you do?!  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Nothing, it wasn't me!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: (_**Furiously**_) What do you mean it wasn't you?! What the f# $ do you think you're doing?! What the f$^% is the matter with you?!  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Lois, like I said, it wasn't me, it—  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Oh yeah, it wasn't you; it was THE F#$^ING FIRE FAIRIES, WASN'T IT?! If you wanted to help Meg with her problem so badly, why didn't you just F#$%ING SAY SOMETHING? So go ahead; f# $ing help her out, Peter, I DON'T GIVE A F#$%! (_She storms back inside the house, and Meg quietly follows her after sometime. Moments later –three tiny fairies, whose bodies are engulfed in flame come to hover near Peter_)  
><strong>Fairy 1<strong>: Y'see? We told you that you wouldn't even be able to say anything to your wife about what we did, even though she somehow guessed rightly that it was us. She probably wouldn't believe you if you told her.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: (_**Angrily**_) Why would you guys just set fire to my car for no reason?  
><strong>Fairy 2<strong>: For no reason?! Your wife ran over and killed one of our female fire fairy chicks!  
><strong>Fairy 3<strong>: Yeah! And she was the only one who ever put out freely!  
><strong>Fairy 2<strong>: Yeah, but we actually feel kinda sorry about it now. I freely admit that it was done with no forethought whatsoever. You guys have insurance, right?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Uh, no, we do not.  
><strong>Fairy 1<strong>: Oh. Oh, we are…we are terribly sorry. We did not know that.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Y'know what, it's actually no problem. Accidents happen anyway, so…  
><strong>Fairy 2<strong>: Well, yeah but, we still apologize nonetheless.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: I don't know, you think you could sport me some capital to fix this or something, or…?  
><strong>Fairy 3<strong>: Hey, dude we're magic, not Donald Trump. That economic recession thing screwed us just as bad, man.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Well, I am sorry to hear that.  
><strong>Fairy 1<strong>: Nahh, it's okay; we'll pull through. 


	4. Chapter 4

[**EXT**: _**The Griffin house**_]  
>[<strong>INT<strong>: _**Peter and Meg are in the couch in the living room**_]

**Peter**: So Meg, the first thing we're gonna do is watch some lesbian porn.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Umm…so that I'll understand their psychological frame of mind in their attraction to women, which will finally enable me to relate to Connie?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: (_**Dryly**_) Yeah, sure; why not? (_He plays the CD_)

-(**Cutaway to T.V**)-  
>(<em><strong>Two sexy women in lingerie are facing each other in a bedroom<strong>_)  
><strong>Actress 1<strong>: Sooo…what do we do here? Do they expect us to just have sex? For their male pleasure?  
><strong>Actress 2<strong>: I know, right? Like we're their playthings who'll do whatever they ask or want. How degrading!  
><strong>Actress 1<strong>: Yeah, let's go get noticed reading in the library or try and run for political posts.  
>-(<strong>End Cutaway to T.V<strong>)-

**Peter**: What the hell? (_He picks up the CD case to look at it_) …Oh, look at that. I got 'feminist' lesbian porn instead of just the regular kind. (_He turns off the T.V_) Well, on to plan 'B'. Oh, Brian!  
>(<em><strong>Brian comes in wearing a dress and make-up<strong>_)  
><strong>Brian<strong>: I just want you to know, from the start–that I didn't agree to any of this.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Well then, why have you come here of your own accord?  
><strong>Brian<strong>: (_**Angrily**_) Because you threatened to send me to the pound, you son of a bitch!  
><strong>Peter<strong>: (_**Amusedly**_) Indeed I did, Brian, indeed I did. Good times, eh? Now Meg, Brian will be a random girl called "Brianna", and you'll have to seduce her. (_He stands up as Brian sits down in the spot next to Meg_)  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Uhh, Dad? This is, uhh…kinda weird for me, because I used to be obsessed with Brian-  
><strong>Peter<strong>:"Brianna"  
><strong>Meg<strong>: —fine, "Brianna"—but, couldn't we get someone else?  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Oh, I see. So, now-what-I'm not good enough for you?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: No, that's not what I—  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Cuz this took time sweetheart. All this make up and stuff, took time even though you wouldn't know. I'm wearing two foundations Meg. So I know I look good, okay? I don't need your approval.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Hey, I just thought that you might think that this is a bit weird too. You don't have to be such a bitch about it.  
><strong>Brian<strong>: Actually Meg, that is what I'm trying to be. That is what I have to be for this. But it seems you don't appreciate it at all. Y'know what? You can seduce yourself; I'm outta here (_He gets up to leave_)  
><strong>Meg<strong>: (_**Angrily**_) Fine! How do you think I start when I masturbate anyway?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Boy, that went about as well as Avatar would've been if it was directed by M. Night Shyamalan

-(**Cutaway**)-  
>(<em><strong>Neytiri is holding the human Jake in her arms in one of the last scenes of 'Avatar'<strong>_)  
><strong>Neytiri<strong>: I see you  
><strong>Jake<strong>: I see…dead people.  
><strong>Neytiri<strong>: (_**Confused**_) You see…dead Na'vi?  
><strong>Jake<strong>: No, actually just dead humans. Guess I really am bit subconsciously biased. But it's a nice twist ending isn't it? I think it's great—and appropriate for this movie!  
><strong>Neytiri<strong>: I don't understand. If you didn't like Na'vi, why become one of us?  
><strong>Jake<strong>: Are you kidding? I've been paralyzed from the waist down for, like, ever. And as a Na'vi, compared to other humans, my junk would be soo huge! Scoring earth chicks would be a piece of cake!  
><strong>Neytiri<strong>: But…but…you…(_she starts crying_)  
><strong>Jake<strong>: Aw c'mon; you're ruining the twist ending!  
>-(<strong>End Cutaway<strong>)-

(_**Scene: Peter and Meg are sitting at a table in an open air eatery**_)  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Dad, do you think it's a good idea to be setting up this date with Connie?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Well, I wasn't going to cuz I thought that you botched up the practice date with Brian. I mean, it was all crazy with the shouting, misdirected anger and mutual repulsion. But I was then told by someone that that's how relationships actually are most of time. So, yeah, I think you're ready. Since you know how to be in a relationship, all you have to do is propose the opposite of stuff that you think she'd want.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: I don't know…  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Just remember to say what I told you. Oh, here she comes—! (_He quickly hides under the table as she approaches_)  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Dad, what the hell do you think—?  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Meg, you're here! I'm so happy you came. (_Peter snickers somewhat loudly_) …What was that?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Um…it was nothing. Sit down.  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Are you sure? It sounded like someone laughing at subtext.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: I'm sure it was nothing. Please, Connie, sit down.  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Thanks (_They both sit_) Honestly, Meg, you don't know how happy I am that you called me. I really want us to talk about us.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Sure, yeah, so…what would you want out of a relationship if we started one?  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Well, I guess that I'd want us to be open about-  
><strong>Meg<strong>: (_Reading from a card_) "I don't want any kids."  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Oh…okay. I was going to say that—  
><strong>Meg<strong>: (_Still reading from a card_) "Cuz kids are so freakin' horrible. Seriously, Lois, just look how Meg turned out. I don't wanna have to go through that again." Dad! (_Peter's hand comes out from under the table with another card and she takes it_)  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Uh, Meg? Is your father under the table passing you notes on what to say?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: …Nooo?  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Oh. Huh. Shot in the dark; sorry about that.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Sure, no problem. (_Looks at the other card_) So, Connie…what would, uh, be some of the sexual things that you'd be interested in as a couple?  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Wow. That's pretty direct of you considering we haven't even come to an agreeme-  
><strong>Meg<strong>: "Please, write down, in explicit detail, about some of your sexual encounters, and send it to my dad so he can judge whether you're good enough for me. Also, this is some of the stuff that I like…" (_she_ _tries to read it but is clearly weirded out by whatever it is_) Okay, some of this stuff is really raunchy. Maybe you should just read it. (_She gives the card to Connie_)  
><strong>Connie<strong>: (_Reads through it_) …whoa. Meg, this is…some of this stuff is cruel. And demeaning!  
><strong>Meg<strong>: (_**Hopefully**_) You hate it?  
><strong>Connie<strong>: It is so hot! I am so turned on right now. And let me use this opportunity to tell you about some of the stuff that I like (_She gets up and whispers in Meg's ear_)  
><strong>Meg<strong>: (_**Stunned**_) That…all of that sounded scary.  
><strong>Connie<strong>: (_Takes her phone out of her pocket when it starts ringing_) I'm sorry, Meg. I'm gonna have to call a rain check. My mom really needs me. Catch you later. (_She blows Meg a kiss and leaves_)  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Bye… (_Peter comes out from under the table_)  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Meg, what happened? You screwed it up!  
><strong>Meg<strong>: No, I didn't! It turns out that she's actually into all that stuff. She even told me about…a couple of her kinks.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Really? Sweet. Like what?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: I can't tell you!  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Aww, c'mon Meg; don't be _that_ kind of lesbian!  
><strong>Meg<strong>: …Fine. (_She whispers in his ear as he leans forward to hear_)  
><strong>Peter<strong>: What? Oh my God, that's so—eewwww—that's so strange! What the hell, Meg? You kiss your mother with that mouth? And since you're into girls, it means you'd like it and that's incest! Jesus, Meg! That is so wrong.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Hey, it's what _she_ told me!  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Jeez, I feel more weirded out than Beauty did after the Beast became human.

-(**Cutaway**)-  
>(<em><strong>The Beast is lying on the floor, seemingly dead when he changes into a human and gets up, alive and well<strong>_)  
><strong>Beast<strong>: Oh my…oh God! I'm—I'm human again! (_Beauty walks in_)  
><strong>Belle<strong>: Hey, who the heck are you?  
><strong>Beast<strong>: Belle, it's me, Beast! I've been changed! I'm free from the curse! Your love has lifted it away! I'm free. Isn't that great?  
><strong>Belle<strong>: Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's…uhh, that's…that's great, I guess.  
><strong>Beast<strong>: …you don't…you don't sound that elated. What's the matter?  
><strong>Belle<strong>: No, no, no, it's fine. Y'know, it's…it's just that…uhh, I kinda spent all this while easing myself into bestiality and now…  
><strong>Beast<strong>: But—but I'm human again! Isn't that better?  
><strong>Belle<strong>: No, it's cool, it's alright, I just…kinda got used to it, that's all. It's kinda what I fell in love with but no, seriously, it's cool, it's fine.  
><strong>Beast<strong>: Life like this is gonna be so much better. I'm fully human now!  
><strong>Belle<strong>: Speaking of which…is all of you human now?  
><strong>Beast<strong>: Yes.  
><strong>Belle<strong>: Even your…you know what?  
><strong>Beast<strong>: Yeah, it is.  
><strong>Belle<strong>: So, that means that it's…smaller now?  
><strong>Beast<strong>: Well, yes. About half its former size, but that doesn't mean-  
><strong>Belle<strong>: Yeah, I'm leaving you. (_She walks away_)  
><strong>Beast<strong>: (_Calling out to her_) But, but Belle-  
><strong>Belle<strong>: (_Shouting back at him_) And I'm taking the candle stand with me!  
><strong>Beast<strong>: But…that changed back into a human too.  
><strong>Belle<strong>: …Crap $%^!  
>-(<strong>End Cutaway<strong>)-

(_**Peter and Meg are in the back waiting room of a building**_)  
><strong>Meg:<strong> (Confused) Dad, what hell are we doing here? Where are we?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Don't worry Meg, this is definitely going to work. Trust me.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: It is?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Not a clue but it's worth a shot.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: What's worth a shot? What's going?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Okay Meg, here's a detailed explanation. We're—(A voice over the intercom says "Let's bring Meg Griffin out. Come on out Meg!") Oh, too late. Go on Meg, get out there!  
>(<em><strong>Peter hauls her through a hall while she protests and then reaches an egress and pushes her through it, making her emerge on a stage where the studio audience is booing her<strong>_)  
><strong>Meg<strong>: What the fu—? Is this the Jerry Sprin—(She's suddenly attacked by a livid Connie who tackles her to the floor, scratching her and hitting her)  
><strong>Connie<strong>: You f%* ing bitch! *&!% $&# whore! I f$# ing love you, you know that?! You f $#ing bitch—  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Aaaaaghhhhhh! What the f &k's happening?  
><strong>Connie<strong>: -love you, you f^$ ing skank! This is what you do to me?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Get the f^%k off of me!  
><strong>Connie<strong>: You c^$t f ^$ing f ^k slut!  
><strong>Audience<strong>: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!  
><strong>Connie<strong>: (still swiping at Meg even though they get separated) You cheated on me? Thinking that I would do something drastic? And act uncontrollably? You bitch, I am not gonna embarrass myself because of that fact, in any way!  
><strong>Audience<strong>: Irony! Irony! Irony! Irony!  
><strong>Jerry<strong>: Meg, why did you cheat on Connie?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Why won't anyone tell me what the F #K IS GOING ON HERE?  
><strong>Jerry<strong>: Okay Connie, you tell us what happened then.  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Her Dad was concerned about our relationship sent me pictures of Meg and another woman, pictures of them laughing together, having fun like they're best of friends. I can't believe she could do this to me.  
><strong>Jerry<strong>: Meg what do you have to say to that?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: What the f%&k is happening? Am I having a f $#ing stroke?  
><strong>Jerry<strong>: You know what? We have the mystery woman here in the studio. Let's bring her on out. Bring her out!  
>(<em><strong>Moments later, an oblivious Lois walks through the stage entrance<strong>_)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Peter, I thought you said we were going out for lunch. I don't think that—oh my…are we at a talk show taping? Isn't this the Sprin—(Connie tackles her to the floor, hitting her and pulling her hair)  
><strong>Connie<strong>: So, you're the no good cunt that 's trying to steal meg, huh? You c#^t f^$ ing slut-whore!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: F &K!  
><strong>Connie<strong>: You can't f#&%ing have her you hear me?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: My f&*#ing hair! Let go you f# $ing lunatic! (The audience keeps yelling out "Jerry" as they're separated)  
><strong>Meg<strong>: (Walks over to Lois) Mom? What the hell are you doing here?  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Meg, what the f%#k is going on?  
><strong>Jerry<strong>: So the mystery woman, your lover, turns out to be your mother? (The audience groans in disgust as they boo Lois and Meg)  
><strong>Meg<strong>: No, she's not! I mean, she is my mother, but know she's not my lover!  
><strong>Connie<strong>: You cheated on me with your mom? You are sick Meg Griffin, you are a sick bitch! And shame on you, Mrs. Griffin!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: What the fuck is this?  
>(<em><strong>Peter stands up from within the audience, and Jerry makes his way to his seat<strong>_)  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Thank you Jerry. I know that it's not time for questions but I would like to ask a few  
><strong>Jerry<strong>: Yeah, go ahead sir.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Dad, you fat f#&$ing son of a bitch bastard!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Peter what the f#^k have you done?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Yeah my question is for potty mouthed Meg over there. So the fact is you actually do kiss your mother with that mouth? (The audience laughs hysterically) I said it earlier but no one was there to laugh so I said it here.  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Dad, why the f #k would you do something like this? How screwed up in the brain are you?  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Shut up, Meg.  
><strong>Connie<strong>: Hey you can't talk to her alike that!  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Oh you wanna go blondie? You wanna go? Cuz I could take ya, missy! (He and Connie get into a verbal back and forth as the audience go wild and then start to chant for Peter to "go to the pole! Go to the pole!") I'm sorry, I can't. But I recently started taking pole dancing classes, so maybe some other time. (they start to chant "Take off your shirt! Take off your shirt!") I'm afraid I can't do that either; as a man, I have too much self respect to do something like that and you all should as well. (The audience goes quiet for a while…until Lois suddenly takes her shirt off and starts swinging it around)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Woooo! I'm f#$&ing alive, baby! ( The audience starts to shout Jerry)  
><strong>Jerry<strong>: So Connie now that it was revealed as an elaborate plan played out by Meg's father so hr could get a cheap thrill—  
><strong>Peter<strong>: And say my joke.  
><strong>Jerry<strong>: —and say his joke, would you be willing to take Meg back?  
><strong>Connie<strong>: …yes, Jerry I would.  
><strong>Jerry<strong>: Meg?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Fine, fine whatever! Just no more hair pulling! Now I know how Rapunzel felt.

-(**Cutaway**)-  
>(<em><strong>The prince approaches the tower and looks up<strong>_)  
><strong>Prince<strong>: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair (The hair falls to the ground and he starts to climb it then stops abruptly) Hmmm. Why does your hair smell like…(sniffs at it)…fish?  
><strong>Rapunzel<strong>: (calling from the top) It's not from my head!  
>-(<strong>End Cutaway<strong>)-

[**EXT: The Griffin house**]  
>[<strong>INT: Peter and Lois are sitting on the couch watching T.V<strong>]  
><strong>Peter<strong>: I gotta say.. I'm sorry that I ruined things and put you guys through that. I guess I felt incapable to you and I wanted to prove that I could help Meg out.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Don't worry about it Peter; as with all your antics, I actually started to enjoy it near the end so it's okay…although we do have to buy another f %$ing car.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: I love you too, Lois!  
>(<strong>Meg comes in<strong>)  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Oh, hi Meg. So what's happening sweetie and how's everything going with Connie?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: Well Mom, we broke up.  
><strong>Lois<strong>: Really? How did it happen?  
><strong>Meg<strong>: We decided to have an at home dinner date and I invited her over to watch "Zoolander".  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Hahahahahahah! Oh my God that movie is so f#$^ing horrible!  
><strong>Lois<strong>: It is. Yes, it is. I might just hit menopause thinking about it.  
><strong>Peter<strong>: Terrific. Terrific.

_**End!**_


End file.
